gone

you are a phantom limb
of my body
i can't see you
but still i reach out
to feel what is no longer there
i act as if you still exist
i feel whole and empty at the same time
and your presence lingers.
your presence haunts me.

what I am studying in Feminist Theory

from bell hooks' all about love

"Throughout our lives we meet lots of people with whom we feel that special click that could take us on the path of love. But this click is not the same as a soul connection. Often, deeper bonding with another person, a soul connection, happens whether we will it to be so or not. Indeed, sometimes we are drawn toward someone without knowing why, even when we do not desire contact. Several couples I talked with who have found true love enjoyed telling the story of how one of them did not find the other at all appealing at first meeting even though they felt mysteriously joined to that individual. In all cases where individuals felt that they had known true love, everyone testified that the bonding was not easy or simple. To many folks this seems confusing precisely because our fantasy of true love is that it will be just that-simple and easy.
Usually we imagine that true love will be intensely pleasurable and romantic, full of love and light. In truth, true love is all about work. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke wisely observed: 'Like so much else, people have also misunderstood the place of love in life, they have made it not play and pleasure because they thought that play and pleasure was more blissful than work; but there is nothing happier than work, and love, just because it is the extreme happiness, can be nothing else but work...' the essence of true love is a mutual recognition-two individuals seeing each other as they really are. We all know that the usual approach is to meet someone we like and put our best self forward, or even at times a false self, one we believe will be more appealing to the person we want to attract. When our real self appears in its entirety, when the good behavior becomes too much to maintain or the masks are taken away, disappointment comes. All too often individuals feel, after the fact- when feelings are hurt and hearts are broken-that it was a case of mistaken identity, that the loved one is a stranger. They saw what they wanted to see rather than what was really there."

conflict

your kiss
is a shallow grave

i am coming back






saul williams

there's a new man in my life

Unfortunately, he's taken.

then you put your hand on my shoulder

and in a flash you were gone
your shoes hardly on
an inaudible goodbye
stumbled out of my mouth
so typical of you
i'm glad you came by

Validation

My feelings are valid
so I don't want to cry anymore
because I can't explain to you
with concrete facts
written by scholars
or people "above" me
who are supposedly
more knowledgeable
who can supposedly
be trusted
as if you can't trust
that what I'm saying
is real and important
or valid
you easily believe them
because of some label bestowed upon their name
if why I feel this way
is so fucking confusing to you
because my name isn't written in some
book or journal
how would I ever get through to you
the only thing you need to know
is what I'm telling you
believe in me
because I'm speaking with my heart
get out of your head
shove those papers up your ass
I'm done saying sorry.
but I might still cry.

1. Live for happiness now.
2. Stay up late.
3. Wake up early.
4. Take naps.
5. Do things you think you shouldn't.
6. Have no regrets.
7. Learn from every experience.
8. Hug your friends.
9. And kiss them too.
10. Be bold.

untitled

I've tried to deny that the gray
makes me unhappy and tired
but it does
so

Perhaps I'll start running again
to remember and forget
at the same time
who I am and who I wish I was
and the fact that you're not around

but I don't know.

Maybe I'll go home for a while
to feel the only concrete love I've ever known

or perhaps
I could drive to my brother's
and dance in the flashing dark
We'll pretend we're Russian
and dance in the clouds.

I wish you understood.

I'm not expecting to come back
and be fine again
but truthfully (or selfishly in your mind)
I'm just looking to be a necessity
to someone's existence.

emilio

drawing by rachel

it's scootin time

bebette

playing hooky

Moose

Alyssa Peterson

http://www.thenation.com/blog/154649/soldier-who-committed-suicide-after-she-refused-take-part-torture

http://www.congress.org/news/2009/11/25/rising_military_suicides

Do you know how close I am?
Do you know how close I am?

Do you know how much I
Do you know how much I could
Do you know how much I would

Do you
Do you really

I don't think you realize
I don't think you realize

how close I am
how close I am

I have tried
I am trying
I might
I might

hurry
hu
r
r y

Saturday?

im always...

(but don't worry)

Listen

Dark Dark Dark-Bright Bright Bright


Beautiful

i really do.

This new type of anxiety
is scary in the best of ways
You came into my bed that winter morning only laying first
then touching. then the kiss. oh the kiss. our hands moved across
each other like the snow settling softly on the ground. but only
warmth was felt that new day. And both of our lives shifted
in that very moment.

Choices

If i can't do
what i want to do
then my job is to not
do what i don't want
to do

It's not the same thing
but it's the best i can
do

If i can't have
what i want . . . then
my job is to want
what i've got
and be satisfied
that at least there
is something more to want

Since i can't go
where i need
to go . . . then i must . . . go
where the signs point
through always understanding
parallel movement
isn't lateral

When i can't express
what i really feel
i practice feeling
what i can express
and none of it is equal

I know
but that's why mankind
alone among the animals
learns to cry

Choices by Nikki Giovanni

I miss my brother.